Confronting the Beast

This past week, my hubby and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. In doing so, I got a little sentimental about our love story and began looking back at old pictures. Since we started dating in 1993, I had a lot to reflect on. I love our first homecoming picture and can distinctly remember the dress I wore, how it made me feel, and the weight I was at the time. The sad part is that even though I felt pretty when I left the house, when I got to the dance and looked around me, I was awash with sadness, thinking I looked huge compared to the other girls. I wish I could go back and tell that 14/15 year old me how awesome I looked - really awesome.

Unfortunately, it's always easier to look back in retrospect than to see yourself and your life for what it is in the now. I never wanted to be the "fat one" - not then, not now. Yet, somehow, I've been filling that role for the majority of my adult life. The truth is, I let the evil demon voices in my head become my compass - chubby is cherubic, it's too hard to work out, yummy, fatty food = fun. While I didn't feel good about myself, I settled into a place of acceptance being the chunky girl, as if it was my station in life.



And while I never thought of myself as skinny, it also took a long time for me to admit to being fat. This is an entirely different beast to confront. No one wants to say that out loud. It hurts to speak the words. Instead, I would make jokes about how I was simply "above average". That didn't sound nearly as bad, maybe even good. Plus, I knew if I admitted to having a problem with my weight, I would be expected to do something about it. There were always too many excuses and too many personal roadblocks for me to make that commitment to change. That would mean work, and it was so much more comfortable on the couch watching Law and Order: SVU marathons rather than trying to run one...

One day, though, things just clicked. I complained to my doctor about not being able to drop pounds by diet alone. He challenged me to work out everyday for three weeks. He said I'd find the time, and while it would be hard, I would see a shift in my mental attitude toward my body and wouldn't allow myself to quit. I took him up on the challenge (partially to prove he was wrong. How does a full-time mom and wife find time to work out every stinking day?). And magically, the demons in my head began to quiet to the resounding sound of self worth, saying, "I don't have to settle. I'm better than this." I guess good ol' Dr. B. will see he was right when I go for my next check up, because it's pretty obvious I found the time to work out...

Honestly, I earned the title of the "fat one". I was that person on the outside, and I let that define who I was on the inside - a pile of mushy yellow ick. Not anymore! Today, I am working toward being a lean, mean, running machine. I'm not settling for the couch. I have a 5K to run!



Special thanks to Lori Wortylko for inspiring me with her weight loss, blog, positive attitude, and friendship. And to Michelle Wright for always being honest about how I look, what I can achieve, and reminding me that I am worth the work and the payoff. I'm a lucky girl!!!