Today, I am 40 years old. 40. I couldn't wait for this day to come. For more than a year I have been planning the party that will take place. I have envisioned the location, people, decorations, and general feeling of celebration. I love birthdays, and such a milestone brings fanfare and fun. That's totally my thing.
Yet, in the months leading up to this big birthday, life took a shift. I was thrown blow after blow. First, the barn we are building would not be complete. There went the location I had been decorating in my dreams. Then, I literally smashed my face into pavement, breaking my nose. There went the pain free, physically active everyday streak I was on...and the leave from work I planned to take in order to prepare for the shindig. Next, a category 4 hurricane made landfall and ripped through our home away from home in Florida. This upended my eagerly awaited couples' trip and put into question our investment properties and retirement plan.
The joy and anticipation I had been building up was now buried beneath disappointment, hurt, and fear. Not because I was getting older, but because I couldn't see beyond the punches to the gut I was taking. I woke up everyday questioning God's plan. What was I supposed to be learning from this? Why was this all happening - and at once? Like cold water to the face, I needed to wake up to the truth. Again, I was the problem. Crap happens. Life isn't always going to go my way. I haven't been working so hard everyday for months to practice gratitude to learn how to be happy when life is roses and rainbows. I was training myself to reach for gratitude when I am feeling low.
Since this is still a muscle I am learning to use and flex, it didn't come easy. The tough stuff is tough after all. But when I started to look for the cracks of light through the dark clouds, I kept finding more and more sun shining into my heart.
I have a home to welcome my family and friends into for the celebration I planned. The layout is different now, but the party will go on. The barn isn't a wasted effort. It is moving along (though at a slower pace) and will be completed at some point. We'll be so happy to have future parties there, and they, too, will be fabulous.
My nose, though it still hurts, is put back together. I still look like me, and I am BLESSED to have great medical coverage. In addition, my friends and family were incredibly loving and supportive as I navigated through the trauma. I was showered with love and gentle care, encouragement and more love. How can you not see the joy in all of that?
From Hurricane Michael, our condominium building saw a little damage, but our units are fine. The area of town where we are situated was mostly spared from tremendous and devastating destruction. Sure, my vacation with friends needed to be postponed, but our dreams were not reduced to rubble as we feared.
And while we couldn't make the couples' trip work, we will reschedule. Everyone was disappointed, but no one is giving up on the trip. We just had to switch the timeline. And my husband, being the brilliant man he is, recognized the stress and struggle I was fighting through and swept me away to one of our favorite places for fun. It wasn't the weekend we planned, yet it was the answer to my prayers. He reminded me - yet again - why I choose him everyday. I was treated to a four day date where everything was as I wished - meals, naps, gambling, drinks, a comedy show, shopping, movies, more naps. There was romance and friendship. There was rest and a break. He saw me. Nothing feels better than that level of love.
There was joy. There is joy. It is all a matter of perspective.
In my twenties, I received my college education, moved out on my own, and got married. There was a sense of infancy as I began that decade of my life, slowly learning to toddle my way through adulthood. I started a career and began to take on new roles - like wife, lessee, car owner, and payer of bills. Everything was exciting and new, but also so much bigger and heavier than in my teens. The decisions I made really mattered and carried weight. I had to learn how to budget both time and money. People relied on me at work and at home, and responsibility started to mean more than getting an essay in on time. I began to carve out a path for myself. The terrain was rough, and I had the skinned knees to prove it. My footing became more and more sure of itself, though, and the path became a little clearer and smoother. Lots of winding and hills, but it was mine.
My thirties, on the other hand, felt like puberty - lots of change that wasn't always as awesome as you imagined. Hello, motherhood. There was one - and then two - girls who changed my life in ways words have yet to define. Learning to be a mom is a work in progress, obviously, but the shock and gravity of the "job", and the worry that comes alongside it, was something to grapple with before I could truly stand securely. As I worked to figure out what being a mom meant to me (how it felt, what it looked like), I teetered less and less and began to take root.
Throughout this time, I also sought out people to help when the earth shook me off my axis (or I just needed someone who simply understood the current day's drama). I navigated my way through the mommy circles to find my tribe. The women who have become confidants and cheerleaders gave me a sense of community and belonging I needed to build my individual confidence. Through new and lifelong friendships I stitched a beautiful quilt of connections and warmth - my very own safety blanket.
Plus, I got to witness my husband growing as a father to our girls and a partner for me. That was also a tremendous boost for me. Our family grew, and we did, too.
As I enter this new decade, I am excited beyond measure. I feel much less awkward and gawky. The need to impress others or seek their approval is of less and less importance. I have in no way, shape, or form figured it all out (like, not at all), but I am so much more confident in my beliefs, character, and sense of self. It is freeing and empowering. I continue to work on me everyday, which includes the needed effort to reach for joy on the bad days (yes, it is oh, so hard). Being happy is most definitely a choice. And I am choosing to make this my happiest birthday yet. Today, I am 40. Today, I am joyful.
