A Love Letter for Lillian Lovebug

On vacation last week, my family was strolling down the boardwalk. Lillian, my almost three year old, reached up to hold my hand and said, "Mommy, you're the best helper in the whole world." She then kissed and squeezed my arm, released it, and returned to her Grandma's side. I don't know what instigated this tender moment, but my heart burst open and eyes flooded. Since her arrival into the world on July 20, 2011, she has been my greatest teacher. She is - simply put - amazing. This doll baby does life with everything she has, all of the time, sparking excitement in me and joy in those around her. She reminds me daily to make my own way, be courageous, and never give up.

Before she even said her first word, Lillian was doing things "her way", as opposed to the prescribed milestones in any book on childhood development. She never crawled...until last week or so when playing baby with her sister. Instead, she scooted everywhere on her tooshie with incredible agility and speed. It was a sight for sure, but was also developmentally concerning! I enlisted the help of an occupational therapist to help Lillian learn to turn her legs in, climb the stairs, and eventually walk. While there were some worries about her hips and neck strength (one needs this to hold their head up to see when they crawl), in the end I determined that really, she just had figured out a way to get around that suited her. To hell with everyone else trying to mold her and tell her how to get from point A to point B. Ahhh, yes! She marches, runs, scoots, and carves her own path with gusto. I will not call her stubborn, as I believe it's all-too-often viewed as negative. No, she is determined, creative, and Lillian Weihe - true and uniquely herself.
More recently she has shown me her fearlessness. I am what some people might refer to as a "fraidy cat". I prefer a low risk lifestyle with as little fear of danger as possible. My Lillian - not so much. At the rides in Ocean City, she knew no boundaries, begging to go on the roller coaster for those with a minimum 48" height. We found her a smaller version, and she was still the littlest one to ride - up and down, jerking back and forth. There was a carousel moving at warp speed, bumper cars, tea cups, hot air balloons...honestly, if it moved, she was on for the ride! In the pool, help is not necessary. She can jump in, slide in, and swim with confidence. Mind you, this child has had the sum total of zero swimming lessons. The thing is, while she is brave, she is not stupid. She'll happily hold the handles and wear her seatbelt, as well as agree to a life vest. She just won't let the safety devices impede her desire for fun and new experiences. Nothing can hold this girl back! Tell her she can't do something, and she will prove she can do it and then some!

Lillian is also a learner. She inspects everything to see how it works, and once she has the hang of it, she is in charge. She was this way with potty training. She understood what needed to be done, where said "what" had to be done, and was all in. She literally announced one Friday afternoon that she wished to be in underwear for school on Monday...and that she did. By 2 years and 3 months, she was diaper free and loving life! Dressing herself is her latest step into independence - and you better not try to help unless clearly requested. She is obsessed with putting her sandals on all by herself! She may be slow, need to switch left and right every now and then, but she doesn't relent. She doesn't just do tasks, she conquers them. I'm not saying she doesn't ever get frustrated or annoyed, but she won't give in to defeat. When she has something set in her mind, she sees it through to completion.

So while this very "girly girl" that loves dresses and lipgloss appears like any other, she is not. She is wise beyond her years with a stunning wit, raspy voice, wild imagination, and big heart. Spend a day with her and you will know laughter like never before. As I tell both my daughters everyday, she was made with love, loved more than she knows, and no matter how much love she gives, it will only grow and grow and grow. And my goodness, does she give love! When she called me the best helper, I was prouder than I've ever been, because whatever hand I have in shaping this perfectly imperfect, darling, treasure is a blessing beyond words.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Lillian Weihe! YOU ARE LOVED!

Mommy's Mirror: My reflections on motherhood (so far)

I have been a Mommy since May 16, 2008. That's when I got the call from my doctor's office that the blood test was positive! From that moment, I was a ball of excitement, worry, joy, and fear. There hasn't been a break since. Even my sleeping hours were riddled with nightmares (one particularly bad one included my breasts being cut off for not breast feeding often enough!) and fantastical dreams (one included my baby reaching out of my round and swollen belly to hold my hand, because she couldn't wait to be born). It was very similar the second time around...only the morning sickness was worse and the cravings changed. The worry and happiness remained the same - or maybe even grew. The fact is, from the moment you find out that a life is stirring in your womb, you are a mother. It is a stunningly beautiful experience - though often miserable, gross, emotional and exhausting.

Motherhood is nearly impossible to describe. You can't define what it means, because what being a mother encompasses for one woman is completely different to the next. There are those who work outside the home, those who stay home, and all sorts in between. There are those who have many children (my paternal grandmother carried 11 babies!) and those who have only one. There are women who can't conceive, struggle to conceive, or seemingly conceive without even touching their mate. All these factors affect the lens in which we see motherhood. These things don't change our level of love for our children, or the capacity we have to nurture, guide, and shape them into perfectly imperfect little people...and eventual adults.

During my relatively brief experience as a Mommy, I have noticed a running theme amongst my mommy friends, posts on Facebook, and in articles I've read. It seems that all moms feel guilty about something. We also appear to be desperate to prove our worth. Ladies, I beg you to reflect on this. Look at your children and listen to what they say about you and their feelings about your family. I bet you won't hear them talk about the things you've missed, or the achievements you haven't reached. I feel pretty confident they'll tell you they love you for the things you've done and the time you spend on them! I urge you to look in the mirror to tell yourself that you are awesome! Turn to your girlfriend and tell her that she's doing an incredible job - and mean it. No judgment, just love. Can't we all at least agree that we could use some more pats on the back? We are in this together, and the fighting over how to do it "right" is a joke. Life is all about making tough choices, and what is right for you may not be right for me. That's okay! I'm not in your house, paying your bills, disciplining your children, buying your groceries, fighting/loving your spouse, or sleeping in your bed.

For me, guilt runs deep in my veins. I rush to get myself and my girls ready for the day Monday through Friday. I drop them off at school and race to work. Then, I do it all in reverse. We do mostly enjoy family dinners every night, but the amount of quality time I have with them never seems like enough in comparison to the hours I spend commuting, working, and rushing everyone. When there are field trips, I rarely get to tag along. We don't do fancy crafts at home, or go to every fair, or join all the hip activities. Honestly, most of the time I am just managing to meet my responsibilities. Sometimes it's an achievement just to feed, clothe, and bathe my babies. There are days that I raise my voice more than I actually talk to my girls. I often feel absorbed in thoughts of my family, bills, and the list of "to dos" at home when I should be editing a report or participating in a webinar. There is so much going on at all times, I feel as though someone or something is always being shortchanged - myself included. In my previous life, before children, I had polished nails, fresh haircuts, trendy clothes, and date nights. Now, I feel bad about taking a night to get my hair cut and colored, and I reserve pedicures for only right before vacation. Ladies nights? Those have to get planned weeks in advance. What it boils down to is that I can't stand the thought of giving time to myself, or anything else, because of the guilt that comes with leaving my girls.

As I've spent some time reflecting on all of this, I came to a decision. This Mother's Day, in addition to spending time with my girls and honoring my own mom and mother-in-law, I will honor myself. How? I am giving myself the gift of forgiveness. I forgive myself for not being everything to everyone. I forgive myself for not being a 100% wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, or employee. I forgive myself for not being able to give my children everything they want, or my husband my undivided attention at the end of the day. Looking in the mirror, I see a woman who does more in a day than I ever thought possible. WOW! I created life - TWICE! I keep my family strong, providing for them, loving them, and praying together. Maybe I'm not perfect, but since I expect perfection from no one else, it's time to let myself off the hook. Every present doesn't need to be wrapped in a bow or bought, in order to be cherished. This gift will allow me to breathe and enjoy motherhood, instead of pressuring myself. It's time to stop competing and trying to measure up to what I think I am supposed to be doing, saying, and showing the world as a mother.

My daughters, Norah and Lillian, are amazing. They're healthy, bright, strong, imaginative, funny, and kind girls. What else could a mother need, in order to know she is successful? Nothing. Cheers, mamas! You are not alone. You are incredible. And I raise my glass to you.

XOXOXO, Gracie

p.s. Happy Mother's Day to the woman who taught me about unconditional love by giving it to me everyday. Mom, I'm sorry for all the temper tantrums and times I said I hated you. I didn't understand how much you loved me, or how hard you worked to keep shoes on my feet, food in my mouth, smarts in my brain, and God's love in my heart. Thank you!

Marital Mania...10 Years!

Some twenty plus years ago, I caught sight of a young man (a whole 16 years old). He entered my marching band class (don’t judge, I was still a cool chick) to deliver a hall pass to another student. In that brief moment of his coming and going from the room, I turned to my friend (and fellow totally hot baritone player) to announce that I would one day marry him. Honestly, he didn’t stand a chance!

His name was Steven Middleton, a football player, middle of three sons, and all-around awesome guy. He was incredibly bright, driven, popular, and FUN! Somehow, I convinced him that I was the girl for him, and he has consistently pushed me to be better, stronger, smarter, and more honestly me ever since. I know that my 14 year old self was naïve and romantic when pronouncing the fate of our lives before we’d even spoken, but there was something alight in my heart and soul when I saw him. My 35 year old self still connects with that emotion. It is amazing how time passes and situations change, but the love is constant. Now, we mark our 10th wedding anniversary, which is nothing to sneeze at, but I like to regard this time as only the beginning (or maybe I am just in denial about getting older). On the day of our “I do’s”, I wept tears of joy and claimed the day as the best of my life before we even got to Our Lady of Mercy to seal the deal. I could feel my dreams coming to fruition; I could see my forever, and I loved the sight. The day was magical, and I was right. Up to that moment, it was the best of my life. In this first decade of marriage, we have done, seen, and experienced so much as a couple – travelling (I miss our trips to Mexico…), building our home, achieving success in our careers, and setting up our home away from home in Panama City Beach, FL. The richness in our lives, though, has come from seeing our reflections in the faces, personalities, and words of our girls. The days our daughters – Norah Bobbi, 01.22.09 and Lillian Weihe, 07.20.11 – were born, easily took the top best day spots in a perfect tie. Our wedding day may have become a close second, but marrying Steven remained the best decision I ever made.

From that decision, came a life of love and dreams and excitement I could never have imagined. It’s funny how that happened, despite our life going severely off the roadmap I had perfectly planned in our pre-marital preparatory class (I seriously had a timeline set for our lives together up to age 40). We didn’t move into our home by my deadline…it took a whole year longer. We didn’t finish having children by the time I was 30, as I indicated we would…in fact, my first was born AFTER my 30th birthday! And that’s just two of the things that didn’t go as I planned. (FYI, I threw the plan out the window a while ago.) There are also messy fights, frustrations, and fall outs…days when I ask myself what happened to the fairy tale!?

Somehow, though, it is all as it should be each and every day, whether we like it or not. The setbacks lead to enriching experiences, like becoming extremely close to my mother-in-law, as we lived with her as we saved, planned, and built our home; and making tons of memories, just the two of us, to hold on to until we are empty nesters (vacationing as a couple is WAY different than vacationing with kids!). The tiffs teach us about each other and push us to work on our communication, learn to laugh at the little stuff, and remind us that we are much better as a team than we are as adversaries.

Ten years of marriage has taught me a great deal, but the most important lesson is one I already knew (though a little reminding is sometimes necessary). Whether life is tough or easy, a chore or fun, every day, I choose him. Every day, I promise to love and cherish once more. Every day, my heart knows, I would marry him again. Our marriage has taught me to trust my heart, have faith in the path God has put before me, and keep on loving. Today’s hardships will lead to tomorrow’s joy. And today, I am beyond joyful. Happy 10th Anniversary to Us!!! Grace + Steven for Eternity and More!