Mommy's Mirror: My reflections on motherhood (so far)

I have been a Mommy since May 16, 2008. That's when I got the call from my doctor's office that the blood test was positive! From that moment, I was a ball of excitement, worry, joy, and fear. There hasn't been a break since. Even my sleeping hours were riddled with nightmares (one particularly bad one included my breasts being cut off for not breast feeding often enough!) and fantastical dreams (one included my baby reaching out of my round and swollen belly to hold my hand, because she couldn't wait to be born). It was very similar the second time around...only the morning sickness was worse and the cravings changed. The worry and happiness remained the same - or maybe even grew. The fact is, from the moment you find out that a life is stirring in your womb, you are a mother. It is a stunningly beautiful experience - though often miserable, gross, emotional and exhausting.

Motherhood is nearly impossible to describe. You can't define what it means, because what being a mother encompasses for one woman is completely different to the next. There are those who work outside the home, those who stay home, and all sorts in between. There are those who have many children (my paternal grandmother carried 11 babies!) and those who have only one. There are women who can't conceive, struggle to conceive, or seemingly conceive without even touching their mate. All these factors affect the lens in which we see motherhood. These things don't change our level of love for our children, or the capacity we have to nurture, guide, and shape them into perfectly imperfect little people...and eventual adults.

During my relatively brief experience as a Mommy, I have noticed a running theme amongst my mommy friends, posts on Facebook, and in articles I've read. It seems that all moms feel guilty about something. We also appear to be desperate to prove our worth. Ladies, I beg you to reflect on this. Look at your children and listen to what they say about you and their feelings about your family. I bet you won't hear them talk about the things you've missed, or the achievements you haven't reached. I feel pretty confident they'll tell you they love you for the things you've done and the time you spend on them! I urge you to look in the mirror to tell yourself that you are awesome! Turn to your girlfriend and tell her that she's doing an incredible job - and mean it. No judgment, just love. Can't we all at least agree that we could use some more pats on the back? We are in this together, and the fighting over how to do it "right" is a joke. Life is all about making tough choices, and what is right for you may not be right for me. That's okay! I'm not in your house, paying your bills, disciplining your children, buying your groceries, fighting/loving your spouse, or sleeping in your bed.

For me, guilt runs deep in my veins. I rush to get myself and my girls ready for the day Monday through Friday. I drop them off at school and race to work. Then, I do it all in reverse. We do mostly enjoy family dinners every night, but the amount of quality time I have with them never seems like enough in comparison to the hours I spend commuting, working, and rushing everyone. When there are field trips, I rarely get to tag along. We don't do fancy crafts at home, or go to every fair, or join all the hip activities. Honestly, most of the time I am just managing to meet my responsibilities. Sometimes it's an achievement just to feed, clothe, and bathe my babies. There are days that I raise my voice more than I actually talk to my girls. I often feel absorbed in thoughts of my family, bills, and the list of "to dos" at home when I should be editing a report or participating in a webinar. There is so much going on at all times, I feel as though someone or something is always being shortchanged - myself included. In my previous life, before children, I had polished nails, fresh haircuts, trendy clothes, and date nights. Now, I feel bad about taking a night to get my hair cut and colored, and I reserve pedicures for only right before vacation. Ladies nights? Those have to get planned weeks in advance. What it boils down to is that I can't stand the thought of giving time to myself, or anything else, because of the guilt that comes with leaving my girls.

As I've spent some time reflecting on all of this, I came to a decision. This Mother's Day, in addition to spending time with my girls and honoring my own mom and mother-in-law, I will honor myself. How? I am giving myself the gift of forgiveness. I forgive myself for not being everything to everyone. I forgive myself for not being a 100% wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, or employee. I forgive myself for not being able to give my children everything they want, or my husband my undivided attention at the end of the day. Looking in the mirror, I see a woman who does more in a day than I ever thought possible. WOW! I created life - TWICE! I keep my family strong, providing for them, loving them, and praying together. Maybe I'm not perfect, but since I expect perfection from no one else, it's time to let myself off the hook. Every present doesn't need to be wrapped in a bow or bought, in order to be cherished. This gift will allow me to breathe and enjoy motherhood, instead of pressuring myself. It's time to stop competing and trying to measure up to what I think I am supposed to be doing, saying, and showing the world as a mother.

My daughters, Norah and Lillian, are amazing. They're healthy, bright, strong, imaginative, funny, and kind girls. What else could a mother need, in order to know she is successful? Nothing. Cheers, mamas! You are not alone. You are incredible. And I raise my glass to you.

XOXOXO, Gracie

p.s. Happy Mother's Day to the woman who taught me about unconditional love by giving it to me everyday. Mom, I'm sorry for all the temper tantrums and times I said I hated you. I didn't understand how much you loved me, or how hard you worked to keep shoes on my feet, food in my mouth, smarts in my brain, and God's love in my heart. Thank you!

Marital Mania...10 Years!

Some twenty plus years ago, I caught sight of a young man (a whole 16 years old). He entered my marching band class (don’t judge, I was still a cool chick) to deliver a hall pass to another student. In that brief moment of his coming and going from the room, I turned to my friend (and fellow totally hot baritone player) to announce that I would one day marry him. Honestly, he didn’t stand a chance!

His name was Steven Middleton, a football player, middle of three sons, and all-around awesome guy. He was incredibly bright, driven, popular, and FUN! Somehow, I convinced him that I was the girl for him, and he has consistently pushed me to be better, stronger, smarter, and more honestly me ever since. I know that my 14 year old self was naïve and romantic when pronouncing the fate of our lives before we’d even spoken, but there was something alight in my heart and soul when I saw him. My 35 year old self still connects with that emotion. It is amazing how time passes and situations change, but the love is constant. Now, we mark our 10th wedding anniversary, which is nothing to sneeze at, but I like to regard this time as only the beginning (or maybe I am just in denial about getting older). On the day of our “I do’s”, I wept tears of joy and claimed the day as the best of my life before we even got to Our Lady of Mercy to seal the deal. I could feel my dreams coming to fruition; I could see my forever, and I loved the sight. The day was magical, and I was right. Up to that moment, it was the best of my life. In this first decade of marriage, we have done, seen, and experienced so much as a couple – travelling (I miss our trips to Mexico…), building our home, achieving success in our careers, and setting up our home away from home in Panama City Beach, FL. The richness in our lives, though, has come from seeing our reflections in the faces, personalities, and words of our girls. The days our daughters – Norah Bobbi, 01.22.09 and Lillian Weihe, 07.20.11 – were born, easily took the top best day spots in a perfect tie. Our wedding day may have become a close second, but marrying Steven remained the best decision I ever made.

From that decision, came a life of love and dreams and excitement I could never have imagined. It’s funny how that happened, despite our life going severely off the roadmap I had perfectly planned in our pre-marital preparatory class (I seriously had a timeline set for our lives together up to age 40). We didn’t move into our home by my deadline…it took a whole year longer. We didn’t finish having children by the time I was 30, as I indicated we would…in fact, my first was born AFTER my 30th birthday! And that’s just two of the things that didn’t go as I planned. (FYI, I threw the plan out the window a while ago.) There are also messy fights, frustrations, and fall outs…days when I ask myself what happened to the fairy tale!?

Somehow, though, it is all as it should be each and every day, whether we like it or not. The setbacks lead to enriching experiences, like becoming extremely close to my mother-in-law, as we lived with her as we saved, planned, and built our home; and making tons of memories, just the two of us, to hold on to until we are empty nesters (vacationing as a couple is WAY different than vacationing with kids!). The tiffs teach us about each other and push us to work on our communication, learn to laugh at the little stuff, and remind us that we are much better as a team than we are as adversaries.

Ten years of marriage has taught me a great deal, but the most important lesson is one I already knew (though a little reminding is sometimes necessary). Whether life is tough or easy, a chore or fun, every day, I choose him. Every day, I promise to love and cherish once more. Every day, my heart knows, I would marry him again. Our marriage has taught me to trust my heart, have faith in the path God has put before me, and keep on loving. Today’s hardships will lead to tomorrow’s joy. And today, I am beyond joyful. Happy 10th Anniversary to Us!!! Grace + Steven for Eternity and More!

Hopeful

It is easy to become overwhelmed with fear. Recently, I have experienced the pain of someone I knew being taken too soon, as well as the hell unleashed on the participants and spectators of the Boston Marathon. It is only natural to question why, but to allow that questioning and pain to define our days is a waste - of energy, love, and time that others no longer have the luxury with which to make memories. While I feel helpless, I am full of hope. Spring is everywhere - God's reminder that there is life after death...what we call winter. We make choices everyday. From the minute our feet hit the floor, we are deciding whether to eat breakfast at home or at work, to dress our children in pants or shorts, to pack a gym bag or call it a rest day...the list is endless. But we first make the decision to get up, to live, to truly experience life. Everyday is a gift, not a guarantee. And I was so very happy to be given today. The sunrise was beautiful, buds are appearing on trees, and my daughters were full of giggles as we headed out this morning. I am not callous or unaware of the damage and pain caused yesterday, but I choose to focus on the good of those who help, of the outpouring of sympathy from around the world, and the love I am given from GOD! I work in an office that specifically deals with responding to these crises - whether natural or manmade - and in finding ways to prepare communities prior to disaster so they are best able to rebuild and recover. It is an amazing challenge and organization. I know I am still just one person in a big world, making little impact on a huge hurt. Yet, I hold onto my hope, as I am greatly aware that good outnumbers evil in immeasurable ways. Remember today that we are blessed to have life, health, and family and friends. That we are a community as a Nation, not just cities and towns. We were all in Boston yesterday, and while our hearts and prayers remain with the victims and their families, we must not become blind to love and good, due to the great darkness of terror. I will give hope and bravery more room in my heart than fear and loss. I will run today for those who are no longer able. I will put rubber to road. The colors of my flag do not run, but I DO! I run for life and hope and love. God bless us all!

Jogging and Blogging: a year in review and a look ahead!

When I started this venture - jogging and blogging - I had a LOT to lose (literally and figuratively). I put myself out there - and I mean all of my big, ugly, mess of a self - for others to see and watch and monitor. Thankfully, as I look back on the year, it is clear that what I lost in pounds was tremendous (as of today, I am down 25 pounds since I began running and 35 pounds down from my highest non-pregnant weight!), but what I gained has become much more important.

First came the confidence in myself. I set a goal and I achieved it in the time I allotted for training. I crossed my first ever 5K finish line as part of a fun run on a Friday and then completed a timed raced the following Monday. It was awesome! What became more incredible was the love affair I cultivated with the pavement. I didn't stop at the initial end goal. I let momentum carry me. I found myself attempting boot camp, weight lifting, ab and arm routines, and pull ups. My view of myself was changing as I saw all the things I could do, the amazing things my body could do. I completed five races and one fun run, for a total of six 5K's! My goal of one was clearly blown out of the water! I have a new perspective on my self image, on health, on priorities - all of which are a vast improvement on where I was in April.

This wasn't all centered around me, though. It was truly heart warming and motivating to see the number of followers and FaceBook "friends" who cheered me on, started to exercise, and/or step up their game, because of my journey to 5K and wellness. I said in a previous post that I assumed the worst - that people would simply judge me. What a happy surprise to find so much positivity and encouragement, as well as teammates in this movement of moving people. It's a beautiful thing when people come together, rallying for good things in other's lives. I'm so proud of the people I have in my life and to be able to call them friends and family. God has blessed me many times over!

In 2013, I plan to come back with more goals and a greater understanding of what is possible. Until then, I am staying focused on being fit, continuing to run, and also enjoying the holiday season (in moderation)!

That said, this year has brought a lot of division (the election), anixiety (fiscal cliff), and heartache (Hurricane Sandy and Sandy Hook Elementary Masacre). I encourage everyone I know to take the last week and a half of the year to cherish the loved ones in your life, to do something for someone in need, to smile and say hello, to do something unexpected and kind for a stranger, to remember the reason for the season! No matter your faith, your political point of view, your marital status, or whether you are a parent, something about how we have treated each other as a society has hurt your heart this year. Find a way to heal by doing a good deed. Not only will you restore someone else's faith, but you will restore your own. More importantly, do not stop. As a culture, it is time we re-learn what it means to be a good neighbor, to be a friend, and to believe in humanity. I found love in so many places this past year - a stranger giving me a giftcard at Nordstrom for no reason at all, caring about myself enough to take nurture the healthy body God gifted me, in my baby's first steps, and my eldest daughter's pride in learning the "hold position" in soccer...my list could go on and on. I hope we all find that by putting our energy into the positive, we will create more positivity in the world.

May God bless you, your family, and all those you love this Christmas. I wish you nothing but joy, peace, and kindness in the coming year. Cheers!

Queen of the Road

For a couple of weeks there I was pretty down in the dumps, struggling to find my inner motivation and fire. Then, I got that email about the King of the Road 5K and registered. What a gift I gave to myself by signing up. From the minute I got dressed in all my new cold gear on Sunday, I knew it was my day - my race! First of all, those tights make me feel like a million bucks, and secondly, I was actually not freezing in 30-40 degree temperatures. Those are some pretty important victories when it comes to the psyche of this particular runner. When we were cued to line up, I was the most zen I've been before the start. While there were hundreds of people there, anxiety wasn't at all a factor. I was dancing and smiling and pumped to begin the 3.1 mile trek. From my first stride to my last, I felt so incredibly "in the zone". This course was relatively flat compared to others I've run, but I'm not sure that mattered too much. Everyone around me seemed pleasant and even a few cheered me on as we passed one another. How cool is that!? No pushing or shoving, just good natured runners sharing the road. That said, as with any race, the biggest battle I wage is with myself. You have to be mentally strong to keep going when you feel as though there isn't an ounce left to give. This was never more true than when I completed mile two. At the start of the final third of the race was a dreaded hill - long and pretty steep. At this point I had yet to walk (I've never lasted more than one mile without a short walk break). The devil on one shoulder was whispering, "Take a break!" The angel on my other shoulder was whispering, "Never walk uphill!" When I centered my focus on the "Never walk" whispers, I was able to tell myself to push through, not quit, and you've got this! When the hill was behind me I knew I'd reached a new level of strength. If I could beat that hill, I could take on what was left ahead of me. So I kept on running until crossing the finish line at full speed. It was by far the most exhillirating and triumphant finish so far - even more than my first race. I was so excited and proud of myself, I cried! To many people a 5K is nothing much. I'm not taking on marathons or anything, but I am achieving more with each race than I ever imagined for myself. I posted to my FaceBook page that "I'm not the fastest, but I'm determined. I'm not a size 2, but I'm healthy. I'm not perfect, but I'm blessed. I run because it gives me more than what I could ever leave on the pavement." Nothing could be more true. With the weight I have lost, I have gained infinite amounts more in confidence and belief in myself. I had no idea how much that had been missing and for far too long. Never doubt yourself. Greatness is in all of us. We may not find it through medals or awards, but through blasting through the barriers and roadblocks we create for ourselves. I was a big winner yesterday when I recorded a personal best, ran non-stop, beat the 35 minute mark for the first time, and saw a more than two and a half minute improvement on my time over the past six months. I finished in 34 minutes and 56 seconds. I was still in the bottom half of racers, but that doesn't matter. What counts is that I get out there, and I never give up! That makes me the Queen of the Road!  





Post-Race High!