Mommy's Mirror: My reflections on motherhood (so far)

I have been a Mommy since May 16, 2008. That's when I got the call from my doctor's office that the blood test was positive! From that moment, I was a ball of excitement, worry, joy, and fear. There hasn't been a break since. Even my sleeping hours were riddled with nightmares (one particularly bad one included my breasts being cut off for not breast feeding often enough!) and fantastical dreams (one included my baby reaching out of my round and swollen belly to hold my hand, because she couldn't wait to be born). It was very similar the second time around...only the morning sickness was worse and the cravings changed. The worry and happiness remained the same - or maybe even grew. The fact is, from the moment you find out that a life is stirring in your womb, you are a mother. It is a stunningly beautiful experience - though often miserable, gross, emotional and exhausting.

Motherhood is nearly impossible to describe. You can't define what it means, because what being a mother encompasses for one woman is completely different to the next. There are those who work outside the home, those who stay home, and all sorts in between. There are those who have many children (my paternal grandmother carried 11 babies!) and those who have only one. There are women who can't conceive, struggle to conceive, or seemingly conceive without even touching their mate. All these factors affect the lens in which we see motherhood. These things don't change our level of love for our children, or the capacity we have to nurture, guide, and shape them into perfectly imperfect little people...and eventual adults.

During my relatively brief experience as a Mommy, I have noticed a running theme amongst my mommy friends, posts on Facebook, and in articles I've read. It seems that all moms feel guilty about something. We also appear to be desperate to prove our worth. Ladies, I beg you to reflect on this. Look at your children and listen to what they say about you and their feelings about your family. I bet you won't hear them talk about the things you've missed, or the achievements you haven't reached. I feel pretty confident they'll tell you they love you for the things you've done and the time you spend on them! I urge you to look in the mirror to tell yourself that you are awesome! Turn to your girlfriend and tell her that she's doing an incredible job - and mean it. No judgment, just love. Can't we all at least agree that we could use some more pats on the back? We are in this together, and the fighting over how to do it "right" is a joke. Life is all about making tough choices, and what is right for you may not be right for me. That's okay! I'm not in your house, paying your bills, disciplining your children, buying your groceries, fighting/loving your spouse, or sleeping in your bed.

For me, guilt runs deep in my veins. I rush to get myself and my girls ready for the day Monday through Friday. I drop them off at school and race to work. Then, I do it all in reverse. We do mostly enjoy family dinners every night, but the amount of quality time I have with them never seems like enough in comparison to the hours I spend commuting, working, and rushing everyone. When there are field trips, I rarely get to tag along. We don't do fancy crafts at home, or go to every fair, or join all the hip activities. Honestly, most of the time I am just managing to meet my responsibilities. Sometimes it's an achievement just to feed, clothe, and bathe my babies. There are days that I raise my voice more than I actually talk to my girls. I often feel absorbed in thoughts of my family, bills, and the list of "to dos" at home when I should be editing a report or participating in a webinar. There is so much going on at all times, I feel as though someone or something is always being shortchanged - myself included. In my previous life, before children, I had polished nails, fresh haircuts, trendy clothes, and date nights. Now, I feel bad about taking a night to get my hair cut and colored, and I reserve pedicures for only right before vacation. Ladies nights? Those have to get planned weeks in advance. What it boils down to is that I can't stand the thought of giving time to myself, or anything else, because of the guilt that comes with leaving my girls.

As I've spent some time reflecting on all of this, I came to a decision. This Mother's Day, in addition to spending time with my girls and honoring my own mom and mother-in-law, I will honor myself. How? I am giving myself the gift of forgiveness. I forgive myself for not being everything to everyone. I forgive myself for not being a 100% wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, or employee. I forgive myself for not being able to give my children everything they want, or my husband my undivided attention at the end of the day. Looking in the mirror, I see a woman who does more in a day than I ever thought possible. WOW! I created life - TWICE! I keep my family strong, providing for them, loving them, and praying together. Maybe I'm not perfect, but since I expect perfection from no one else, it's time to let myself off the hook. Every present doesn't need to be wrapped in a bow or bought, in order to be cherished. This gift will allow me to breathe and enjoy motherhood, instead of pressuring myself. It's time to stop competing and trying to measure up to what I think I am supposed to be doing, saying, and showing the world as a mother.

My daughters, Norah and Lillian, are amazing. They're healthy, bright, strong, imaginative, funny, and kind girls. What else could a mother need, in order to know she is successful? Nothing. Cheers, mamas! You are not alone. You are incredible. And I raise my glass to you.

XOXOXO, Gracie

p.s. Happy Mother's Day to the woman who taught me about unconditional love by giving it to me everyday. Mom, I'm sorry for all the temper tantrums and times I said I hated you. I didn't understand how much you loved me, or how hard you worked to keep shoes on my feet, food in my mouth, smarts in my brain, and God's love in my heart. Thank you!