Flip the Script

Yesterday, I was gifted an unexpected free night...no sports, activities or commitments. This is the kind of rare that feels like the sighting of an endangered species from Asia in your backyard. Ah, freedom!

Usually this would've meant time to binge on food, wine and silly TV shows, but I decided to flip the script on my normal response.

You see, the mornings aren't the only time of day to prepare yourself for greatness. Rather, we are given chances again and again to make decisions that position us for future success.

I did just that.

I made tons of meals - not just for last night's dinner, but for the rest of the week. Now, I have a couple of dinners ready for those insanely busy Wednesday and Thursday nights, as well as lunches for the remainder of the week. Even the hubby was excited to have a Greek salad to grab and go. Need a snack? Peppers and cucumbers are sliced and ready to crunch. And the crowd goes wild!!!

Lots of people meal prep every week, and while this is something I aspire to do regularly, I rarely do. These incremental shifts in mindset are what make the biggest impact. One healthy decision leads to another and another. It feels wonderful.

What are you doing today to make your next move better, easier, more successful?

You Get Stronger

I have been steadfast in my morning routine. At this point, if I do not do the mental work in the morning, my day suffers in a real way. My mindset is off, and I quickly turn to the negative. The more time I invest in preparing myself - mind, body and soul - for what is to come, the stronger and happier I feel for longer periods of time. I am building stamina to carry me through the day, even ones filled with meetings, car pools, back pain, complaining colleagues and children...there is always something ready to bring me down. The question has become, am I ready to pick myself up during those trials?

Not every challenge is the workout. Maybe the greatest strength you're building is in the habits you're creating.

You're doing the work when you could be in bed. You're hustling while everyone else is procrastinating. You're reaching for goals that others only daydream about. You claimed those dreams as your real life. You may not be there yet, but you're on your way. It may not be easy (at all)...yet, you are stronger with each step you take.

My morning routine:

1. I do my Start Today Joural entry, which includes gratitude, reviewing and emphasizing all the goals I have for myself, and also the one goal I am working on right now to make me successful.
2. I then spend time on devotion - a bible reading and accompanying explanation about how I can use that teaching in my life. Not everyone will find this to be helpful, but it centers me. Plus, Jesus is my man. If you aren't Christian or religious, I would substitute meditation here. I also meditate, by the way, but do it over prayer.
3. Work out...different stuff all the time, but I get my body moving.
4. Hydrate - that simple, I drink water.
5. Get showered/ready for the day with an empowered and positive mindset!

How do you prepare yourself for a successful day?

Warmth in Winter

Today marks an end and a beginning - a swirl of emotion so quick moving I cannot capture one to claim as the dominant force. After six weeks of recovery following surgery, it is time to return to work and life as usual. I have been on disability during this time, laying in bed for two weeks, aside from frequent, short walks around the house. The following four were more active, but not by much. I watched copious amounts of television, including at least three full seasons of the show Suits and more movies and miniseries created for Amazon Prime than is natural for any one person to consume. I hurt, but it wasn't the physical pain that ever felt overwhelming. I ached to participate in the life happening around me. To lay around is not on my list of top qualities. I was missing my girls' games, practices, play dates, parties...I was missing everything.

That is, I was missing it all until I started to use the time to my advantage. When I accepted my situation for what it was - rest - I allowed my body and mind to relax. I was able to focus on the parts of me that needed healing in ways I never had before. As other folks were working on their New Year's Resolutions to lose weight and get physically fit, I was dropping lots of extra mental baggage and strengthening my thoughts. There aren't cool Instagram selfies to take laying in your bed contemplating your goals and vision of your life like all my friends in the gym, but I can promise the effort was just as intense. There were books, podcasts, and vision boards to read, listen to and create.

I actively practiced gratitude, especially on the days pain or sadness were at their greatest. I dreamt of what the best of my future self would look like and began to create goals to get me there. What will I do? How will I act? Who will surround me when I get there? Each day was a chance to get closer to joy. There was meditation, prayer, tears, laughter, and sharing with others. I started speaking my plans out into the world...claiming my success as if it had already happened.

Taking the time to care for myself, and allowing others to care for me, reminded me that it is okay to stop the mad rush. It allowed me the incredible opportunity to embrace all I have with tremendous appreciation, let go of the things weighing me down, and invest in loving on those who lift me up. Wellness is so much more than working out or eating right. It is feeding your mind and body the positive thoughts, beliefs and mantras it needs to keep going when you are at your lowest. We find the strongest parts of ourselves by pushing through the tests we are given. Our faith in God and in each other is forged in the fires of pain and difficulty. It is easy to be strong when the sun is shining, but in the cold, darkness of winter, when you can find light and warmth, you are dialing in on the graces that make you powerful.

Healing Peace

What is healing?

How do I heal?

Will I ever fully heal?

As I contemplate or attempt to answer these questions, the one thing I know for sure is that true, deep, pain always requires dedication. To rid - or even diminish the hurt to a dull ache - means a commitment to bettering and strengthening the weakest parts of myself.

Is it physical pain? Is it emotional? Or, is it the pain that moves from mind to body and back to mind all over again - pushing and pulling from the mental and physical anguish that becomes difficult to decipher? I've had it all. I've fought it all. Now, I am learning that fighting the pain isn't the answer. Fighting through a challenge - sure. But the pain itself cannot be defeated by being pushed around.

For me, accepting hurt as a real and present "thing" is the start. Like a Rubiks Cube needing to be solved - all the colors mixed up and twisted - I hold my struggle, acknowledging its brightly colored squares and its jumbled pieces each one representing the parts of myself not in the right place. I see its causes and search for order. I feel the pricks of its reality and the frustration of not being able to flip the pieces around easily.

Hurt is something I can't just solve, though. In the moments of holding my struggle in my heart, mind, and soul I am allowing myself to be vulnerable and strong all at once. Because looking a monster in the eye is a scary premise, but in staring him down, I can start to see him for who he is, peeling away his armor and weakening his venom. I tell myself it is okay to cry or scream - letting the fear release from my physical body. It is around me and in me, but in seeing and holding the pain, I can now find a way to walk through the darkness and disarm the monster.

I find space to acknowledge my grief and struggle - where I can live with the hurt for a minute. Mine is best found by the waves of water lapping on the shore. The vastness of the sea and its appearance of never-ending depth and distance brings me back to earth and somehow connects me with God. My purpose in life is big, but my problems are but a single grain of sand in this world.

I breathe in the salty air.

I exhale the struggle.

God did not give me life to center on the pain I am feeling. I am experiencing this tough time, because I am human. In this moment I actively call to mind times where I overcame, where I felt the joy of success, what it feels like to be loved. I conjure the good and breathe in and out, in and out. I practice the feeling of knowing I will prevail. The work is never done, so I breathe in and out again and again. I allow myself to listen and feel.

I turn the struggle over to God. I set it out for the world. I know in my soul what I cannot control. And what I can, I take ownership of. I am accountable to myself and admit the role I play in causing myself this pain. I take the hurt apart and look at each piece. I move forward with the plan and purpose of correcting my wrongdoing and my course. I forgive those who have brought me to this place. They will need to answer for their own pain. I don't need to own that, too. I let go. I have faith that between God's grace and favor, and my own dedication, accountability, and hard work, I will heal from this hurt.

Traumas and disappointments don't just vanish upon first defeat. They come back at inopportune times and are often triggered by memories or images we aren't expecting to confront. But having the strength and understanding that I looked down the barrel and lived once will help me do so again and again. I slayed that monster, remember?

So yes, I will struggle again. That is the way of life. Yet, I will have a place - even if it is an escape through the memories tucked in the corner of my mind - where the sounds and feelings of the sea and sand settle my soul and center my heart. I will know what healing feels like. It is peace.

Warrior

I visited an urgent care office today. My face was throbbing, daggers shooting down my throat, and my head aching. I had my vitals checked by the nurse, and was assured I wasn't dying. Cue the doctor and the normal battery of questions - family history, allergies, current medications, last menstrual cycle...

I froze. How do I answer that properly?

"Well, I had a hysterectomy on January 7th, so, I guess..." I stuttered.

"Oh, no worries," she cut in. "That clears up the question. You're just so young."

While the hysterectomy was medically necessary, and I had made the decision to have no more children years prior, it was weird to say "hysterectomy" out loud to a stranger. The words felt like marbles in my mouth, and her apparent shock hit me in an unexpected way. I felt judged and defensive. A spoonful of reality I had swallowed willingly suddenly tasted sour. I seemingly failed the intake questionnaire.

As the day wore on, the optics of the conversation changed. I was able to refocus and recenter my thinking. Friends, I remembered what this whole thing was about. And it was never about my ability - or now inability - to have children. I did that miraculously and with sweet imperfect perfection twice. My age wasn't a factor for me. I needed this surgery, so I worked with my doctor to respond to my issues in a way that made sense for my health.

This period of time in my life has been intended for healing. I'm not my pain, but I did live with it for much too long. I am not a failing uterus, and I am certainly not less of a woman because I had mine removed. Rather, I am a woman who will strive tirelessly for wellness, strength, and the ability to be there for my children in a real and present way. I have been fighting against my own body for close to a decade. At 40, I decided that wouldn't be my future. Not because I will never feel pain again, but because I won't be defined by it.

So, my dear, put on your war paint (or charcoal mask), your battle gear (or camo athleisure), and demand better for yourself. No one will do it for you. If you look at yourself and see hurt, you will find it at every turn. But, even during recovery from a major surgery, if you choose to see a warrior, you will find her. I promise.

(And, so you know, it was a sinus infection. With some steroids and antibiotics, I should be fine in no time. God bless modern medicine.)